She’s here! My 2nd daughter was born on 2/27/21. Born in the middle of a global pandemic. She’s my rainbow baby and she’s perfect. I’m sitting next to her crib in the hospital now. A few weeks ago they noticed something in the liver from a routine sonogram. After she was born they ran some blood tests and the results were concerning so they transferred her to a hospital in NYC. They think it’s a hemangioma (benign vascular tumor). That’s great news considering they do not think it is cancer but the road ahead will not be easy. First off, we have to do more blood tests, another ultrasound, and MRI to gather more information. Then the doctors and surgeons will figure out what is the safest treatment option. The hemangioma is not necessarily the dangerous part…it’s how her body will react to this mass. Will her heart have to work extra hard? It’s scary to think that this may be life altering but I’m taking one day at a time.
Welcome 2021
I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve written. My intention for this space is to reveal old journal entries in the hopes of helping people feel not alone. Life gets in the way though and it’s difficult to make time for that. I try to avoid using this blog as my ‘journal’ because I still tend to keep my feelings to myself. 2020 was a terrible year. Ironically I think I handled myself very well. I did not go through any significant down periods. In the past week or so I’ve felt depressed. I can blame it on pregnancy hormones, the pandemic or the fact that our country is going to sh*t because we are so divided but the truth is I’m not sure why I feel down. All I know is I feel hopeless and I HATE THAT feeling. My head tells me I know that’s untrue and I’ll snap out of it but my depressive self pulls me down and gives me a sense that I’ll feel like this forever. I just want to be the best version of myself. I want to be confident and a role model for my daughter. I want to be proud of myself. I’ve come a long way but my journey is not over.
9/11 (9/20/01 Journal 4, Page insert between 65/66)
Anyone that remembers 9/11 refers to it as 9/11. The year was 2011. It seems like it was yesterday but none of students were even born yet. I was a sophomore in college. I woke up the morning of 9/11 and on the TV was the news showing a plane that hit one of the twin towers. I immediately called my mother because she was always watching the news and I knew she’d be shocked to hear about it! I walked down the hall to the suite next door and we watched the news together. Then another plane hit the other tower! I don’t remember my initial thoughts when the second plane hit. I just remember not realizing the severity of the situation. I proceeded to get ready and leave for class.
dear Journal,
hey. I haven’t wrote in awhile. I’m on my way home now from Cortland for the weekend. Something big has happened last week on 9/11/01. Terrorist bombed the World Trade Center. They highjacked 4 planes. They flew 2 into the towers + 1 into the pentagon, + one crashed. Both towers collapsed. Classes after one were cancelled, and on Friday was a National Remembrance and classes were cancelled after 11. It was sooo scary. So many people died, I’m just scared. I didn’t know anybody! I can’t believe it happened so close to where I live. They said this was bigger than Pearl Harbor! It’s so crazy!
New York State lost 2,753 lives at the World Trade Center on that day. The realization didn’t set in until I went to class and everyone was talking about it and classes were cancelled. I started panicking not understanding what exactly was happening. On my walk back to my dorm, I stopped at Health Services and expressed my concern to the Physicians assistant. She prescribed me anti-anxiety medication which I was terrified to take (and never did take) and walked me across the hall to the counseling center. It was on that day that I met my college counselor. I would see him periodically, usually weekly, for the next three years.
Breakdown
I had a long run but I broke. Not completely but pieces are breaking off and I’m scared of when the rest with shatter.
Why? I still wonder if this will all make sense one day.
Tattoo TBA
I’m going for a consultation tomorrow for my tattoo. I’ve wanted a sister tattoo for years but never seemed to make it happen. After my daughter was born it only made sense for me to get a tattoo associated with her. Stay tuned. ❤️
Random Entry (12/28/09 Journal 6, Page 147)
hey-today is 12/28/09. Christmas was very good. I spent it with all my family. I was a little sick though. The next couple of days are going to be rough, lots to do. As far as anxiety, it’s been so much better – I should say its stabilizing. But I hate when I can feel pain, it’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt in the world. Life is so hard – I would have never expected to turn out this way. It’s a fight – Hopefully now that I’m stabilized, I can get better slowly. I want a family and a husband. I want to smile. I want to like myself. I want to love myself. I enjoyed acting. I want to continue with it. I hope I get good and act in plays. I want to meet somebody – I want to be in love. I have to be patient. Love will find its way. Ok goodnite. Peace.
Sometimes I hate myself
I haven’t written in awhile. I’m very proud of myself for how far I’ve come but sometimes I hate myself. I hate that I don’t have all the answers. I hate that I don’t have everything figured out. I wish I could say all the pieces fell into place but they haven’t. I wish I could say the pieces are falling into place but I can’t say for sure they are. Why do I feel like I’m living a life in secrecy? Why can’t I shout from the rooftops how happy I am? It’s not fair. I get caught up in social media and compare myself to others. I know the truth behind social media but it doesn’t matter. I “should” be just as happy as everyone else.
Thank God for my daughter. I love her so much. I only want to make her happy. I want to teach her love and kindness. I want her to see me as a role model. I just need to figure this life out before she realizes what a shitshow her mother is. Day by day, moment by moment. Breathe.
Mother’s Day 2019
I’m not gonna lie…I’m kinda lucky. I’m sitting in a hot tub at a hotel. My boyfriend surprised me with a night at a hotel by myself. Time alone…away from everything and everybody! I guess you can say it’s an annual thing being that he did the same thing last year, at a different hotel.
He knows I need “me” time. He’s smart. I love my daughter more than life itself but it’s necessary that I take time for myself every once in awhile. I’m very fortunate that I’m with someone who understands that. Thank you to that special someone 😊
Years ago I would have dreaded being by myself. These days, I love my own company. I drove to the hotel straight from school. Checked in and did some work. School work that is but don’t worry, I actually enjoy it and find it therapeutic to plan lessons. I then had myself a drink while I enjoyed dinner alone at the bar. The bartender was quite friendly and I think she enjoyed my company. She asked why I was in town and I told her my story. She told me she never had anyone that would do that for her. I’m lucky. We spoke briefly and she filled my wine up to help me “relax” upstairs. After some more work, I headed to the spa. Relaxation bliss.
It’s 7:55. Not sure what to do next. More work? Tv? Bed? I love just enjoying the moment. Much of my 20’s I wasn’t able to do this. Today is a good day. 🙂
I Miss my Mom
Today would have been my mother’s 75th birthday. I miss my mom today. I miss the great things about her.
I miss being able to call her at any time.
I miss her always telling me how proud she was of me and my sisters.
I miss her picking me up from school when I was sick.
I miss her sense of humor.
I miss her support in everything I did.
I miss hearing her stories that always went on and on (haha).
I miss her chicken cutlets.
I miss her advise.
I miss her.
Happy birthday mom ❤️
Dedication Page (11/28/00 Journal 3, Page 37)
Sometimes when I read my journals I laugh how ridiculous I was as a teenager. I wouldn’t change the things I’ve done or said but I certainly question some of the decisions I’ve made on my journey. Apparently as a teenager I knew this because I wrote a dedication page and even wrote how I wanted to donate my organs if I die.
