I can’t sleep. At least I’m not nervous. Just can’t sleep. If I fall asleep now, I’ll have 6.5hrs of sleep tonight. Will that be enough? Now I’ll be tired tomorrow. I hope not too tired. Busy day grading regents tomorrow. Now I’ll probably be miserable with less than 7 hours of sleep. At least I can get that much. I’m thankful for that, especially with an 18 month old toddler. Ugh…I just want to sleep! 12:02am ~signing off
A Nice Compliment
A student of mine walked into my class yesterday and told me “You look so pretty.” A simple compliment went a long way.
Since having a baby, I’m 10 pounds heavier and just feel plain older. I’ve never had a great self esteem so this is tough for me.
It’s nice when someone takes the time out to say something kind. I appreciate it.
The Happiest Toddler on the Block
Can you seriously say your parents did the best they could raising you? I was eating lunch several years ago with a few coworkers and they all shared how they absolutely thought their parents were the best and how they did a fantastic job raising them. My parents…not so sure. Maybe my mother would still be alive today if she didn’t fall into a depression. As a parent now, I’m terrified of my daughter one day thinking that I could have done a better job. As a teacher, when it comes to the Regents Exam, it’s comforting knowing I did the best I could and the rest is up to them. It’s a confidence thing. Be confident and know you did your best. If there’s nothing more you could do, then you did your best. That’s what I tell my students and that’s what I’m living by as a parent. I’m currently reading “The Happiest Toddler on the Block” by Harvey Karp. I’m learning a tremendous amount of information on toddlers and am excited to be the best mother I can be. My daughter is the best thing I’ve got. I will give it my all to make sure she flourishes.
Back to School Jitters
It’s midnight and I’m browsing Instagram thinking about going back to school.
“Normal” people hate going back. They dread it…”The summer went by way too fast!” Me on the other hand, I’ve always been excited to go back. Partially because I love to teach but also because I would be busy again and wouldn’t have to worry about my thoughts.
This year is entirely different though. Last year was my worst teaching year ever due to circumstances out of my control.
I am still very excited to teach again but hate the first week thoughts of:
1) When will I be able to set up my classroom and clear out last years teacher’s garbage?
2) Who am I sharing a classroom with…will there be 1, 2, or 3+ teachers in a room this year.
3) Will the computer work?
4) Will the printer work?
5) Will the smart board work?
6) Where are my textbooks and how can I get them to my classroom?
7) When will I find time to remove my items from my two different classrooms last year?
8) When will I make the first day photocopies?
9) When can I get my classroom set of calculators?
10) When will I receive a closet key because the school somehow doesn’t have one for my classroom.
This will be my 14th year teaching and somehow I get more anxious about going back each year. Each year there are more changes and more disorganization. I just want to teach! Just leave me in a classroom and let me be. I’m thankful this year will be (hopefully) better than the last but I’m sick of starting off the year so on edge.
On that note, I’m going to bed now. Goodnight!
My Retreat (Today)
Retreat: According to vocabulary.com, the noun retreat means a place you can go be alone, to get away from it all.
My first official retreat was a Mindfulness Retreat at Camp DeWolfe, Long Island in June 2016. Although this retreat was an introduction to my world of mindfulness, I learned more about the power of silence. On our last day, we were instructed to wake up and be silent. That meant to wake up with the other 6 people in our cabin and proceed through the day without speaking. The next morning we all (22 females, 1 male, and our instructor) went to breakfast and sat down with each other in silence. We were told not to speak until later in the day. Although I thought this exercise would be painful, it was quite the opposite. The first thing I noticed was the alleviation of pressure to fit in with conversation. We all came to the retreat alone and with that was the fear of not fitting in. In silence, I did not have to worry about when and if I should chime in to conversation. What if I was the annoying girl? What if I was the awkward girl talking? Not this time…we all ate quietly and just observed the silence.
The next thing I noticed were the sounds of silence. When you are not focused on conversation, you can really hear all the sounds around you. I can remember hearing the forks and knives hitting the plates and the sounds of chairs moving on the floor. They were sounds I never really focused on before.
What I noticed most importantly was how great the feeling was being silent and alone. After breakfast, I walked down to the beach where I sat and appreciated the view of the water and sky. It felt good to not have anywhere to be and just sit being mindful.
That first retreat taught me so much about myself and it allowed me to appreciate the moments I am alone.
This year was my first Mother’s Day. The Wednesday before my boyfriend surprised with an overnight hotel package for me. It was literally the best gift ever! After school the following day I went to the hotel. I sat alone at the bar and had a glass of wine. I then was pampered at the spa (my boyfriend set that up as well) and later had dinner in the restaurant, once again alone. It was so relaxing! I fell asleep in an awesome comfy king size bed, woke up the next morning and went to school. Haha, that makes me laugh.
As I write this, I am on yet another retreat. This retreat is at Manhattan College where I have the opportunity to take a math class (AP Statistics in which I teach) and stay on campus from Monday thru Friday. I am sitting on the stairs on a gorgeous night in front of my dorm room observing my senses. 5-4-3-2-1. 5 things I see, 4 things I can touch, 3 things I can hear, 2 things I can smell, and 1 thing I can taste. I feel peaceful, I wonderful sensation. I feel thankful.
Challenge yourself to be silent…on purpose. There’s a difference between being silent because you don’t fit in and being silent and just being in the moment, no matter how you feel. I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone and it feels quite nice. I think I’ll continue this journey we call life.
Love and Peace, Me
Letter from Mommy (5/1/04)
There’s nothing like snail mail! Even today I get excited when I get mail and it’s not junk. My mother rarely wrote me letters or sent me care packages in college but when she did, it meant the world! I can probably count on one hand the amount of times she did…but I’m okay with that. I’m actually thankful that I even received anything and sometimes she’d include a small check for spending money which is always fun!
When I was a senior in college, I studied abroad. It was my student teaching semester and I taught in the inner city of London. When I was in London, we didn’t have cellphones. We didn’t even have a phone in our flat (apartment) for the first month because it was new. Things have certainly changed since then! I keep a lot of crap (letters/notes/pictures) in my journals so I happened to find this jem while browsing. I don’t remember this exact letter but it made me smile to think of my mother and how excited I must have been to receive this.
The letter reads:
Dear …,
Hi Honey. I finally got this list together for you. If you need a few more names I can give them over the phone.
Bre went to the movies tonight. She saw “Mean Girls”. Said it was good.
Rachel babysat for the Siegenfeld’s tonight. She had an interview at Harborfields today. Said it went O.K.
I, of course have done nothing. What else is new.
I hope you are enjoying every minute you’re in England.
Tell me all the details when you get home.
Margot got tickets for a Madonna concert. I don’t know when it is. She’s fine. I’ll try to call soon.
Love, Mommy
I love you! xxxooo
My First Anxiety Attack (6/8/01 Journal 3, Page 101)
I had no idea this day would change my life forever. I was 18 years old and had just finished my freshman year of college. I was young and went out with my friends often. Obviously drinking alcohol isn’t good for you (especially at 18) but what I didn’t know was that it is a trigger for me. I know I am not alone in saying this but alcohol makes me feel extremely anxious the next day. In this journal entry, I vaguely describe my first anxiety attack. I actually remember it much differently than it was written but here it is:
hey, today is 6/8/01. Well, a lot has happened. I guess I’ll tell you about the anxiety. I’ve always said that it’s my turn to get something bad happen to me. Well I think this may be it, but I swore to myself I’m strong enough to get over it. It started on Wednesday at Adventureland. I worked the merry-go-round and I was hungover and dizzy from the ride. So I left work early because I didn’t feel right. So later on around 6:30 I smoked a cigarette, hoping to calm myself down, but it made it worse. So I took a walk and I was flipping out, like that night.* So I went to see Kara, all I could think about was suicide. So that night I couldn’t go to Friday’s with my friends because I was so scared so I went to Alletto’s* with my mother and she came home with me and soothed me so well!!! I’ve never loved her so much in my life. So now I know I’m scared of new situations because I’m in the car with people I’m babysitting for. So we are going to Amagansett and Montauk with them for their wedding. I was really nervous before but now I’m fine. So I think I’m going to be OK this weekend. I proved to myself last night that I was OK and went to bed early and told myself I have to prove again that I’m fine. I’m going to a psychologist, I’ll be fine. I haven’t cried at all and I felt like I was going to yesterday. But I’m going to go now because I gotta eat. I didn’t have a single bite to eat yesterday, not even a chocolate. I had 2 jelly beans. But I’m strong and I can do it!! -Peace
*The night I did Ecstasy for the first (and last) time. (Click here to read)
*Alletto’s was a restaurant my mother worked at briefly.
The entry itself is actually a lot more positive than I remember it. I remember leaving work early because I felt off. I then remember trying to take a nap and hoping to sleep it off. As my face was turned towards the wall, I remember my body beginning to tingle and I felt a warm flow down my body. It made me scared (not knowing how anxiety felt) and I immediately got up and decided to take a walk in hopes of the feeling going away. I will never forget that walk. I had NEVER had suicidal thoughts until that walk. I couldn’t understand why everything looked so normal but I felt so “out of my body.” I saw a man mowing his lawn and couldn’t help but wonder why he was acting so normal as if life was a happy place. I thought I needed to die… and soon. There was no way I was going to be able to live like that. I knew right away something was wrong, something was seriously wrong. My walk was short because it definitely was not working but only made matters worse. I hopped in my car and drove to see my friend Kara at her work. Kara was my friend who I did Ecstasy with and helped me get through that God awful night. I told Kara something was wrong but I don’t remember exactly what I said or how she responded. I do recall though being totally freaked out by the loud noises and amount of people at her job. She worked at a busy arcade/restaurant at the time. I left her job and drove straight to my mother. She was working that night. To this day, I never did tell my mother the truth about my first anxiety attack and how it was brought on by my past experience of Ecstasy and being hungover. The thought and guilt of that made me feel like the worst person ever. My sister had begun experiencing panic attacks a few months earlier and I told my mother that I thought the same thing was happening to me. When I wrote “I’ve never loved her so much in my life,” I meant it. My mother had her issues and caused me a lot of pain but she absolutely loved me and lived for her children. I needed her so much that night. She drove me home and laid in bed with me that night until I fell asleep. I was TERRIFIED to be without her. To this day, when I am severely anxious, I am still afraid to go to bed alone because of that night. The entry then goes on to say I was babysitting the children of a couple getting married. I wrote things like “I’m OK, I’ll be fine, I’m strong,” blah blah blah but here is how I remember it. It was the worst timing ever. Two days after I had a life changing anxiety attack, I was to go away for a weekend with complete strangers. I was recommended by a family and I offered to travel with the a couple whom I’ve never met and watch their children while they got married. My mother drove me to their house and as soon as we got there, panic set in and I needed a bathroom pronto. For anyone that doesn’t know this and pardon the grossness, anxiety and stress cause diarrhea. As if traveling with complete strangers wasn’t terrifying enough, now I was embarrassed because it was clear I was blowing up their bathroom as well. I was in the bathroom just long enough for my mother to leave their house. As soon as I got out of the bathroom and I realized my mother had gone, I ran out of the house searching for her. Embarrassing again…an 18 year old girl literally running out of the house crying to say goodbye to her mother. Luckily, my mother had not left yet and I was able to give her a huge hug and gain the courage to travel for a weekend without her. I thought I was being “strong” as I worded it. I had never experienced anything like this and as much as I thought I’d end up in a straight jacket in a loony bin like those people on TV, I also had the energy to fight for my life. After 17 years, I’m still fighting for my life. Frustrating, I know!
My fight is different these days. I know my triggers and I know when to ask for help. Looking back during those first horrific months of anxiety, they were worse than I thought. Have you ever completed a huge task like cleaning an entire room and when it’s finished you ask yourself, “damn, how did I do that?” That’s how I look at those days. I am so thankful for how far I’ve come. I have been through years of therapy and I’m still trying to win this battle we call life. My goal is to make my daughter proud. I want to be the best person and parent I can be. One day she’ll read my journals and blog and I hope she will learn from my experiences. The summer of 2001 marked my beginning struggle with anxiety and soon after, depression followed. This entry was significant in my life because the journal entries that follow are mostly related to my anxiety. If you would like to follow my story please subscribe to my blog below and feel free to comment or ask me any questions.
Love and Peace, Me
Friday the 13th!
Today is Friday the 13th so why not open up a journal and look for today’s date. Here it is…journal 4, page 18, 7/13/01:
hey-today is 7-13-01. I’m babysititng. Kerry’s parents are getting a divorce. I feel really bad. I wish the world didn’t have so many problems. But anyway, with the anxiety thing, it’s been a lot better. I really like going to the psychologist. He really seems like he knows what he’s doing, and Rachel is a lot better. He drew 2 diagrams. One says that anxiety is a cause of a feeling of danger (b/c you are scared). If you tell yourself u are ok and you will have fun, then your thoughts will slowly change. So it’s all good, I will be better, and without medicine! I think I’ve been experiencing anxiety the entire year but I just didn’t know it. So now it hit me b/c of Rachel. But I will be ok! I love life! I really do. I haven’t been able to say that in awhile. -I just talked to Mike, he called here babysitting – I <3 him! Peace
Faith (1/2/06 Journal 5, Page 78)
Hello, today is 1/2/06. Happy New Year. So I just watched some Oprah. I’ve been depressed lately. It’s been 4.5 years now. It makes me wonder when the struggle will end. I do not think it will ever. I was very happy in London. I have to understand that life will not be like this forever. I will get over this and be strong and happy. I hate the feeling of thinking that I do not want to live. I feel selfish because nothing is really wrong with me. I know I’m a good person but I’m still in pain and I can’t heal. I want to be happy with myself but I can’t. I don’t want a man to make me happy. I just don’t understand why I can’t be completely happy. I do have some faith. I think once I move out things will become a little easier. I’m going to start NOW to do things. I’m going to:
1- keep a gratitude journal
2- surrender to this unfair life
3-write a letter to family each week
Hopefully this will help me. I really can’t wait to move out! Alright, I need to go. Peace out.
Happy 1st Birthday to my Daughter :)
Today is a special day. Today is my daughter’s first birthday. My baby girl is my little angel. She wasn’t planned but let me tell you she’s the greatest surprise of my life! I made a promise to myself many many years ago and I’m so happy I made it this far…
In 2006 I experienced my second worst anxiety attack of my life. I had thought anxiety was past me and I worked so hard to get where I was…in the happiest place of my life. Out of nowhere (which now I realize I have triggers) comes an anxiety attack and brings me right back to square one. I can remember on one particular evening I was having a bad night and I excused myself from my boyfriend’s (at the time) family table. I went in to the bathroom to take a breather and I made myself a promise. I promised myself I wouldn’t kill myself until I became a mother. I know it sounds odd but at that moment I wanted to end my life and what kept me going was believing that one day I would be a mother. Well here I am today. I made it this far!
When I found out I was pregnant, I surprisingly wasn’t scared or nervous but more excited. It was a surprise and I wasn’t married but I was 34, financially stable and in a good relationship so it wasn’t a bad thing. After a few weeks the reality of being pregnant set in. Was I ready? Was this what I wanted? Did I make a mistake? The anxiety escalated and I wasn’t sure if I could endure several more months of this anxiety. I see a therapist and psychiatrist and we all worked together to figure out a game plan. I had to be prepared. I decided to go to therapy twice a week and I joined a prenatal yoga class. It was extremely difficult to get out of that initial anxiety rut but I made it through.
On June 28, 2017 my beautiful daughter was born. Everyone had said it would be a life altering experience but I wasn’t sure if I would feel that way. What if I didn’t love my baby? What if we didn’t connect? What if I’m a bad mom? What if I experience postpartum depression? All of these questions kept me up at night but for some reason, as soon as my daughter was born all of my worries and concerns were gone. I believe I’m pretty lucky. I have an amazing support system and having gone into labor the same day school ended, allowed me to have A LOT of help. (My boyfriend, and many family/friends are teachers) I also believe I was born to be a mother. Being a mother is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Besides from teaching, it’s my most confident and passionate role on this Earth.
My goal is to keep going…life that is. Get past anxiety and raise my daughter to one day be proud of her mother. My daughter is literally my best friend and I am obsessed (in a good way) with her. Every time someone asks about her, my face beams with delight. She’s the best little girl a mommy can ask for. My life has a whole new meaning. My brain has never been so healthy. I am so busy thinking about Mom duties that I spend less time thinking and obsessing about negative thoughts. I truly believe my daughter saved my life ❤