I am empathetic. I often feel other’s emotions or feel a way I believe I’m supposed to feel. It’s almost like if someone dies and you don’t cry does that make you a bad person? The truth is I can feel anyway I want. These are my feelings. They belong to me. I deserve to feel any way I want. I’m not perfect but I’m a good person and I always try to be better tomorrow than today. I deserve to be happy and I will only allow people in my world that want to be there. That know me. That trust me. That help me. That reciprocate feelings of friendship and/or love. I deserve to be happy.
Summer Bummer
If I told you this summer sucked would you believe me? If I told you I’ve looked at my children and still felt like dying would you believe me? They say depression lies and time heals. We shall see. I’m ready for Fall. F this summer.
I’m doing it!!!
I’m cruising!!! It’s been 18 years since I’ve stepped foot on a ship. I’m here baby and I’m rockin the boat! Ok, I need to chill because it’s only night one. Wish me luck 🙂
F*ck You
I hate YOU. You’re not going to bring me down. Or will you? Stay in the moment. Stay true to yourself. Love yourself. Love ME. Love YOU. YOU’RE who makes me ME. You f*cking f*ck!
Easter
The living room was cleaned twice a year. Easter and Christmas. It often took days to complete. It was never spotless but clean enough for the Easter bunny or Santa Claus to deem acceptable. All I ever wanted was a clean house. A house where I could invite friends over to play. By first grade I knew I was different and lost friends because I couldn’t reciprocate play dates. Easter was second best to Christmas in my opinion. The thought of having the Easter Bunny in MY house was so exciting! He would even leave an egg under my pillow! How cool! We would get a basket full of candy. I do have pretty good memories of waking up and searching for the eggs with my sisters. If only the living room stayed clean. Of course it didn’t. In the later years, the baskets turned into ziploc bags with some candy inside. I’m sure there were some years the living room wasn’t cleared and the eggs were hidden amongst the mess.
This year marks my daughters’ 6th and 3rd Easter. So far we’ve given them amazing experiences. They went to church last weekend and this weekend we are all in Pennsylvania with their cousins. We are creating loving memories and I’m pretty damn proud of that ❤️
Start over
How many times can you start over? Should I start a new chapter or create a new book? I need to turn the page.
I love teaching because you always get to start fresh. A new year with new students. If you think about it, the new year starts in January. A miserable cold month. Those are my thoughts for tonight.
today
It’s rare I stay in the moment. I grew up fantasizing about my future. Hoping to get out of the house and live the “Happily Ever After” lifestyle. I spent many mornings waking up to the initial thought of hopelessness. Usually as the day went on it would get better…the closer it was to go back to sleep. Sleep was the only way to avoid thoughts. My way out of my head.
Fortunately these days it’s usually not as bad. Mostly because I have two children and a “to do” list that will never be complete. Today was a good day. I woke up and didn’t think much. I got myself a cup of coffee and was excited for the day ahead. It was my daughter’s 3rd birthday party. God I love her. Watching and listening to her gives me such joy. She was so happy today. I myself just enjoyed all of today. Today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Today I was present. I’m proud of myself ❤️
Now or Never
I feel like I have more to give. More to share. More to provide. More to educate. But I get sucked into believing this is it. When does hope stop? When is it time to throw in the towel? What if you try and you fail?
I know the answers to these questions. For God sake I’m a teacher. It’s my job to keep believing and encourage. How can I be good at giving but not receiving? I want to toot my own horn and be the best role model possible. I guess I still have a lot to learn. Hopefully one day I will come full circle.
Stuck in Limbo
Life. Limbo. How do I survive? My biggest fear is I won’t make it. This disease will take me. I know I can’t let that happen but how can you be sure you won’t let it take over. What’s the point? Is there an end? Is there a winner? Is there a point where it’s all worth it? I’ll just roll with the punches for now. My children help me out one foot in front of the other. I smile watching them and for now they’re worth it 🙂
Nobody knows
I can’t believe Twitch did it. Why? There were apparently no signs. I don’t get it. If I did it there would be sign. Nobody knows. It’s a secret club. Nobody really knows what it feels like to want to die. Nobody knows I know.