Category: Momhood

How many times can you start over? Should I start a new chapter or create a new book? I need to turn the page.
I love teaching because you always get to start fresh. A new year with new students. If you think about it, the new year starts in January. A miserable cold month. Those are my thoughts for tonight.

It’s rare I stay in the moment. I grew up fantasizing about my future. Hoping to get out of the house and live the “Happily Ever After” lifestyle. I spent many mornings waking up to the initial thought of hopelessness. Usually as the day went on it would get better…the closer it was to go back to sleep. Sleep was the only way to avoid thoughts. My way out of my head.
Fortunately these days it’s usually not as bad. Mostly because I have two children and a “to do” list that will never be complete. Today was a good day. I woke up and didn’t think much. I got myself a cup of coffee and was excited for the day ahead. It was my daughter’s 3rd birthday party. God I love her. Watching and listening to her gives me such joy. She was so happy today. I myself just enjoyed all of today. Today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Today I was present. I’m proud of myself ❤️

She’s here! My 2nd daughter was born on 2/27/21. Born in the middle of a global pandemic. She’s my rainbow baby and she’s perfect. I’m sitting next to her crib in the hospital now. A few weeks ago they noticed something in the liver from a routine sonogram. After she was born they ran some blood tests and the results were concerning so they transferred her to a hospital in NYC. They think it’s a hemangioma (benign vascular tumor). That’s great news considering they do not think it is cancer but the road ahead will not be easy. First off, we have to do more blood tests, another ultrasound, and MRI to gather more information. Then the doctors and surgeons will figure out what is the safest treatment option. The hemangioma is not necessarily the dangerous part…it’s how her body will react to this mass. Will her heart have to work extra hard? It’s scary to think that this may be life altering but I’m taking one day at a time.

I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve written. My intention for this space is to reveal old journal entries in the hopes of helping people feel not alone. Life gets in the way though and it’s difficult to make time for that. I try to avoid using this blog as my ‘journal’ because I still tend to keep my feelings to myself. 2020 was a terrible year. Ironically I think I handled myself very well. I did not go through any significant down periods. In the past week or so I’ve felt depressed. I can blame it on pregnancy hormones, the pandemic or the fact that our country is going to sh*t because we are so divided but the truth is I’m not sure why I feel down. All I know is I feel hopeless and I HATE THAT feeling. My head tells me I know that’s untrue and I’ll snap out of it but my depressive self pulls me down and gives me a sense that I’ll feel like this forever. I just want to be the best version of myself. I want to be confident and a role model for my daughter. I want to be proud of myself. I’ve come a long way but my journey is not over.

I had a long run but I broke. Not completely but pieces are breaking off and I’m scared of when the rest with shatter.

Why? I still wonder if this will all make sense one day.

I’m going for a consultation tomorrow for my tattoo. I’ve wanted a sister tattoo for years but never seemed to make it happen. After my daughter was born it only made sense for me to get a tattoo associated with her. Stay tuned. ❤️

I haven’t written in awhile. I’m very proud of myself for how far I’ve come but sometimes I hate myself. I hate that I don’t have all the answers. I hate that I don’t have everything figured out. I wish I could say all the pieces fell into place but they haven’t. I wish I could say the pieces are falling into place but I can’t say for sure they are. Why do I feel like I’m living a life in secrecy? Why can’t I shout from the rooftops how happy I am? It’s not fair. I get caught up in social media and compare myself to others. I know the truth behind social media but it doesn’t matter. I “should” be just as happy as everyone else.

Thank God for my daughter. I love her so much. I only want to make her happy. I want to teach her love and kindness. I want her to see me as a role model. I just need to figure this life out before she realizes what a shitshow her mother is. Day by day, moment by moment. Breathe.

I’m not gonna lie…I’m kinda lucky. I’m sitting in a hot tub at a hotel. My boyfriend surprised me with a night at a hotel by myself. Time alone…away from everything and everybody! I guess you can say it’s an annual thing being that he did the same thing last year, at a different hotel.

He knows I need “me” time. He’s smart. I love my daughter more than life itself but it’s necessary that I take time for myself every once in awhile. I’m very fortunate that I’m with someone who understands that. Thank you to that special someone 😊

Years ago I would have dreaded being by myself. These days, I love my own company. I drove to the hotel straight from school. Checked in and did some work. School work that is but don’t worry, I actually enjoy it and find it therapeutic to plan lessons. I then had myself a drink while I enjoyed dinner alone at the bar. The bartender was quite friendly and I think she enjoyed my company. She asked why I was in town and I told her my story. She told me she never had anyone that would do that for her. I’m lucky. We spoke briefly and she filled my wine up to help me “relax” upstairs. After some more work, I headed to the spa. Relaxation bliss.

It’s 7:55. Not sure what to do next. More work? Tv? Bed? I love just enjoying the moment. Much of my 20’s I wasn’t able to do this. Today is a good day. 🙂