Today is a special day. Today is my daughter’s first birthday. My baby girl is my little angel. She wasn’t planned but let me tell you she’s the greatest surprise of my life! I made a promise to myself many many years ago and I’m so happy I made it this far…
In 2006 I experienced my second worst anxiety attack of my life. I had thought anxiety was past me and I worked so hard to get where I was…in the happiest place of my life. Out of nowhere (which now I realize I have triggers) comes an anxiety attack and brings me right back to square one. I can remember on one particular evening I was having a bad night and I excused myself from my boyfriend’s (at the time) family table. I went in to the bathroom to take a breather and I made myself a promise. I promised myself I wouldn’t kill myself until I became a mother. I know it sounds odd but at that moment I wanted to end my life and what kept me going was believing that one day I would be a mother. Well here I am today. I made it this far!
When I found out I was pregnant, I surprisingly wasn’t scared or nervous but more excited. It was a surprise and I wasn’t married but I was 34, financially stable and in a good relationship so it wasn’t a bad thing. After a few weeks the reality of being pregnant set in. Was I ready? Was this what I wanted? Did I make a mistake? The anxiety escalated and I wasn’t sure if I could endure several more months of this anxiety. I see a therapist and psychiatrist and we all worked together to figure out a game plan. I had to be prepared. I decided to go to therapy twice a week and I joined a prenatal yoga class. It was extremely difficult to get out of that initial anxiety rut but I made it through.
On June 28, 2017 my beautiful daughter was born. Everyone had said it would be a life altering experience but I wasn’t sure if I would feel that way. What if I didn’t love my baby? What if we didn’t connect? What if I’m a bad mom? What if I experience postpartum depression? All of these questions kept me up at night but for some reason, as soon as my daughter was born all of my worries and concerns were gone. I believe I’m pretty lucky. I have an amazing support system and having gone into labor the same day school ended, allowed me to have A LOT of help. (My boyfriend, and many family/friends are teachers) I also believe I was born to be a mother. Being a mother is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Besides from teaching, it’s my most confident and passionate role on this Earth.
My goal is to keep going…life that is. Get past anxiety and raise my daughter to one day be proud of her mother. My daughter is literally my best friend and I am obsessed (in a good way) with her. Every time someone asks about her, my face beams with delight. She’s the best little girl a mommy can ask for. My life has a whole new meaning. My brain has never been so healthy. I am so busy thinking about Mom duties that I spend less time thinking and obsessing about negative thoughts. I truly believe my daughter saved my life ❤