I was so excited to go away to college. It’s ironic because although my mother caused me so much sadness as a child due to the house being a complete disaster and her sleeping on the couch most of the time, she also was the one that pushed me to be the best person I could be. Before my mother became depressed, she apparently lived an awesome life. She loved to go out and have fun. She went away to college, upstate New York, and was part of a sorority known as ‘The Good Time Charlie’s.’ When she met my father, they loved to hang out with friends and they even traveled cross country together. As a young girl, my mother always would tell me one day I would go away to college and have just as much fun as she did. I actually thought going to college wasn’t an option and that everyone went away to college. So when it was finally time for me to leave the nest and venture out on my own, I was ready! College was great at first, but definitely also rocky. I was trying to establish myself as a new person being that I hated myself in high school all while trying to fit in and make new friends. I think I tried too hard to fit in. I tried to be friends with everyone and it made me question where I truly belonged. The first couple of months of college was where I began wondering who my real friends were and if I actually had any. This continued into my sophomore year when I thought about transferring to another college because I felt so alone. Luckily I did not and it took some heavy duty work from within to finally feel comfortable with where I belonged. This journal entry is the first glimpse into questioning myself and my friends:
hello-today is 10-8-00. Well, I’m in college, and I love it except for the fact that I have no idea who my friends are. I always had a problem that I wanted to be friendly with everyone and it took me four years of high school to figure out who were my best friends. There were my D.P.* friends, then my school friends. With them, I could actually be myself and now I can’t. Every time I feel like I can be myself I feel that they look at me funny. I was almost like the center of my friends. Whenever I wasn’t there, they missed me. Whenever I was there, I had so much fun. And here, I still feel like I’m struggling to make friends. I get along fine, but I don’t have close friends, like friends that would care if I left for a weekend. I’m not stupid, I can tell these things. The only person that understands is Rachel, she experienced it too. I can’t understand why it happens, but it did. I’m not sure if it was me b/c I wasn’t that close with them to begin with, or they just don’t like me. Whenever I’m with them, I’ll say something and it won’t matter to them. I keep telling myself it’s just me, but I miss having those close friends. It’s not the college, I love the college, but how am I supposed to get through school like this. I’ve been thinking a lot about Kerry. I made a thing that says Kerry with all pictures of her in it. Whenever I look at it, I get sad. I miss her so much. I never thought I would miss anyone as much as I miss her. I can’t explain the connection we had. If I were to try, I would describe it as love. I know now that she is having so much fun, I just hope she thinks of me, b/c I certainly don’t have that pal friend like she was to me. I don’t ever want to lose her, not ever b/c I don’t know what I would do without her. I hate thinking that I can never go back in time, b/c sometimes I wish I could, even to go back when I was younger and everything was ok! But I have to go now. I’ll write again soon.
*D.P. was the town that I lived in. I lived on the boarder of two school districts so most of my friends who lived across the street from me went to a different school. So I had two sets of friends, D.P. friends and school friends.
This journal entry makes me chuckle. Not because of the pain I felt from feeling lost but from the creepy way I described my friendship with my friend Kerry. Kerry was my best friend and I had known her since I was ten. I’m a very mushy person when it comes to the people I love, I wear my heart on my sleeve. The weird thing is, and I’m still puzzled by this today, after she went away to college, she pretty much never came back and ditched her old life. I see her on social media but that’s about it. As for college, I did soon meet my best friends. One in particular, who I call my ‘soul friend’ but I’ll get into that another time. Most of my other college friends and I keep in touch through social media. Life definitely works in mysterious ways sometimes.