If I told you this summer sucked would you believe me? If I told you I’ve looked at my children and still felt like dying would you believe me? They say depression lies and time heals. We shall see. I’m ready for Fall. F this summer.
F*ck You
I hate YOU. You’re not going to bring me down. Or will you? Stay in the moment. Stay true to yourself. Love yourself. Love ME. Love YOU. YOU’RE who makes me ME. You f*cking f*ck!
Easter
The living room was cleaned twice a year. Easter and Christmas. It often took days to complete. It was never spotless but clean enough for the Easter bunny or Santa Claus to deem acceptable. All I ever wanted was a clean house. A house where I could invite friends over to play. By first grade I knew I was different and lost friends because I couldn’t reciprocate play dates. Easter was second best to Christmas in my opinion. The thought of having the Easter Bunny in MY house was so exciting! He would even leave an egg under my pillow! How cool! We would get a basket full of candy. I do have pretty good memories of waking up and searching for the eggs with my sisters. If only the living room stayed clean. Of course it didn’t. In the later years, the baskets turned into ziploc bags with some candy inside. I’m sure there were some years the living room wasn’t cleared and the eggs were hidden amongst the mess.
This year marks my daughters’ 6th and 3rd Easter. So far we’ve given them amazing experiences. They went to church last weekend and this weekend we are all in Pennsylvania with their cousins. We are creating loving memories and I’m pretty damn proud of that ❤️
Nobody knows
I can’t believe Twitch did it. Why? There were apparently no signs. I don’t get it. If I did it there would be sign. Nobody knows. It’s a secret club. Nobody really knows what it feels like to want to die. Nobody knows I know.
Random Entry (12/28/09 Journal 6, Page 147)
hey-today is 12/28/09. Christmas was very good. I spent it with all my family. I was a little sick though. The next couple of days are going to be rough, lots to do. As far as anxiety, it’s been so much better – I should say its stabilizing. But I hate when I can feel pain, it’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt in the world. Life is so hard – I would have never expected to turn out this way. It’s a fight – Hopefully now that I’m stabilized, I can get better slowly. I want a family and a husband. I want to smile. I want to like myself. I want to love myself. I enjoyed acting. I want to continue with it. I hope I get good and act in plays. I want to meet somebody – I want to be in love. I have to be patient. Love will find its way. Ok goodnite. Peace.