Category: Momhood

This should be awesome right? I’m actually nuts for even considering a cruise but I’ve come so far and I actually think I MAY be able to handle it.

You see, in 2005 I went on an “awesome” cruise. It was awesome until about the third day. I had been off my meds and feeling the best I’d ever felt in my entire life and BOOM!… a huuuuge anxiety attack. I had drank alcohol the night before and that was a trigger for my anxiety. Under normal circumstances I was able to cope but being in the middle of the ocean suddenly threw me for a loop and I freaked out. I’ll never forget the intensity of the anxiety. It’s all written in my journal and I will post the exact words in the near future but let’s just say I literally wanted to jump off the ship. I had never taken Xanax and my sister and I went to the ship’s health services and asked if it was ok that I took my sister’s medicine. I think I took 3 or 4 that first day of anxiety. I’m lucky I stayed on the ship. I highly considered taking the next flight home once we docked at the next port but I forced myself to finish the trip. Not so sure that was the best decision.

Soooooo…about this cruise I booked. April 19th! Luckily it’s only 3 nights and each day we arrive at a new location and I’ll be with my boyfriend, daughter, two sisters and their families. I can do it. I’m not so sure I believe that but after surviving Italy last year I’m more confident I can make it.

Not many people know this side of me. “Wow I’m so lucky to have these great opportunities” many would say. I wish I felt that way. It’s more survival mode for me but like I’ve said, I have come a long way! I’m kinda proud of myself. I’m most thankful for my daughter who keeps me grounded mentally and on my toes physically.

I will find my cruise anxiety attack shortly and post. I’m nervous it will bring back bad memories before I leave for my new cruise but I’ll keep myself checked. Until then, peace out.

I can’t sleep. At least I’m not nervous. Just can’t sleep. If I fall asleep now, I’ll have 6.5hrs of sleep tonight. Will that be enough? Now I’ll be tired tomorrow. I hope not too tired. Busy day grading regents tomorrow. Now I’ll probably be miserable with less than 7 hours of sleep. At least I can get that much. I’m thankful for that, especially with an 18 month old toddler. Ugh…I just want to sleep! 12:02am ~signing off

A student of mine walked into my class yesterday and told me “You look so pretty.” A simple compliment went a long way.

Since having a baby, I’m 10 pounds heavier and just feel plain older. I’ve never had a great self esteem so this is tough for me.

It’s nice when someone takes the time out to say something kind. I appreciate it.

Can you seriously say your parents did the best they could raising you? I was eating lunch several years ago with a few coworkers and they all shared how they absolutely thought their parents were the best and how they did a fantastic job raising them. My parents…not so sure. Maybe my mother would still be alive today if she didn’t fall into a depression. As a parent now, I’m terrified of my daughter one day thinking that I could have done a better job. As a teacher, when it comes to the Regents Exam, it’s comforting knowing I did the best I could and the rest is up to them. It’s a confidence thing. Be confident and know you did your best. If there’s nothing more you could do, then you did your best. That’s what I tell my students and that’s what I’m living by as a parent. I’m currently reading “The Happiest Toddler on the Block” by Harvey Karp. I’m learning a tremendous amount of information on toddlers and am excited to be the best mother I can be. My daughter is the best thing I’ve got. I will give it my all to make sure she flourishes.

It’s midnight and I’m browsing Instagram thinking about going back to school.

“Normal” people hate going back. They dread it…”The summer went by way too fast!” Me on the other hand, I’ve always been excited to go back. Partially because I love to teach but also because I would be busy again and wouldn’t have to worry about my thoughts.

This year is entirely different though. Last year was my worst teaching year ever due to circumstances out of my control.

I am still very excited to teach again but hate the first week thoughts of:

1) When will I be able to set up my classroom and clear out last years teacher’s garbage?

2) Who am I sharing a classroom with…will there be 1, 2, or 3+ teachers in a room this year.

3) Will the computer work?

4) Will the printer work?

5) Will the smart board work?

6) Where are my textbooks and how can I get them to my classroom?

7) When will I find time to remove my items from my two different classrooms last year?

8) When will I make the first day photocopies?

9) When can I get my classroom set of calculators?

10) When will I receive a closet key because the school somehow doesn’t have one for my classroom.

This will be my 14th year teaching and somehow I get more anxious about going back each year. Each year there are more changes and more disorganization. I just want to teach! Just leave me in a classroom and let me be. I’m thankful this year will be (hopefully) better than the last but I’m sick of starting off the year so on edge.

On that note, I’m going to bed now. Goodnight!

Retreat: According to vocabulary.com, the noun retreat means a place you can go be alone, to get away from it all.

My first official retreat was a Mindfulness Retreat at Camp DeWolfe, Long Island in June 2016. Although this retreat was an introduction to my world of mindfulness, I learned more about the power of silence. On our last day, we were instructed to wake up and be silent. That meant to wake up with the other 6 people in our cabin and proceed through the day without speaking. The next morning we all (22 females, 1 male, and our instructor) went to breakfast and sat down with each other in silence. We were told not to speak until later in the day. Although I thought this exercise would be painful, it was quite the opposite. The first thing I noticed was the alleviation of pressure to fit in with conversation. We all came to the retreat alone and with that was the fear of not fitting in. In silence, I did not have to worry about when and if I should chime in to conversation. What if I was the annoying girl? What if I was the awkward girl talking? Not this time…we all ate quietly and just observed the silence.

The next thing I noticed were the sounds of silence. When you are not focused on conversation, you can really hear all the sounds around you. I can remember hearing the forks and knives hitting the plates and the sounds of chairs moving on the floor. They were sounds I never really focused on before.

What I noticed most importantly was how great the feeling was being silent and alone. After breakfast, I walked down to the beach where I sat and appreciated the view of the water and sky. It felt good to not have anywhere to be and just sit being mindful.

That first retreat taught me so much about myself and it allowed me to appreciate the moments I am alone.

This year was my first Mother’s Day. The Wednesday before my boyfriend surprised with an overnight hotel package for me. It was literally the best gift ever! After school the following day I went to the hotel. I sat alone at the bar and had a glass of wine. I then was pampered at the spa (my boyfriend set that up as well) and later had dinner in the restaurant, once again alone. It was so relaxing! I fell asleep in an awesome comfy king size bed, woke up the next morning and went to school. Haha, that makes me laugh.

As I write this, I am on yet another retreat. This retreat is at Manhattan College where I have the opportunity to take a math class (AP Statistics in which I teach) and stay on campus from Monday thru Friday. I am sitting on the stairs on a gorgeous night in front of my dorm room observing my senses. 5-4-3-2-1. 5 things I see, 4 things I can touch, 3 things I can hear, 2 things I can smell, and 1 thing I can taste. I feel peaceful, I wonderful sensation. I feel thankful.

Challenge yourself to be silent…on purpose. There’s a difference between being silent because you don’t fit in and being silent and just being in the moment, no matter how you feel. I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone and it feels quite nice. I think I’ll continue this journey we call life.

Love and Peace, Me

Today is a special day. Today is my daughter’s first birthday. My baby girl is my little angel. She wasn’t planned but let me tell you she’s the greatest surprise of my life! I made a promise to myself many many years ago and I’m so happy I made it this far…

In 2006 I experienced my second worst anxiety attack of my life. I had thought anxiety was past me and I worked so hard to get where I was…in the happiest place of my life. Out of nowhere (which now I realize I have triggers) comes an anxiety attack and brings me right back to square one. I can remember on one particular evening I was having a bad night and I excused myself from my boyfriend’s (at the time) family table. I went in to the bathroom to take a breather and I made myself a promise. I promised myself I wouldn’t kill myself until I became a mother. I know it sounds odd but at that moment I wanted to end my life and what kept me going was believing that one day I would be a mother. Well here I am today. I made it this far!

When I found out I was pregnant, I surprisingly wasn’t scared or nervous but more excited. It was a surprise and I wasn’t married but I was 34, financially stable and in a good relationship so it wasn’t a bad thing. After a few weeks the reality of being pregnant set in. Was I ready? Was this what I wanted? Did I make a mistake? The anxiety escalated and I wasn’t sure if I could endure several more months of this anxiety. I see a therapist and psychiatrist and we all worked together to figure out a game plan. I had to be prepared. I decided to go to therapy twice a week and I joined a prenatal yoga class. It was extremely difficult to get out of that initial anxiety rut but I made it through.

On June 28, 2017 my beautiful daughter was born. Everyone had said it would be a life altering experience but I wasn’t sure if I would feel that way. What if I didn’t love my baby? What if we didn’t connect? What if I’m a bad mom? What if I experience postpartum depression? All of these questions kept me up at night but for some reason, as soon as my daughter was born all of my worries and concerns were gone. I believe I’m pretty lucky. I have an amazing support system and having gone into labor the same day school ended, allowed me to have A LOT of help. (My boyfriend, and many family/friends are teachers) I also believe I was born to be a mother. Being a mother is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Besides from teaching, it’s my most confident and passionate role on this Earth.

My goal is to keep going…life that is. Get past anxiety and raise my daughter to one day be proud of her mother. My daughter is literally my best friend and I am obsessed (in a good way) with her. Every time someone asks about her, my face beams with delight. She’s the best little girl a mommy can ask for. My life has a whole new meaning. My brain has never been so healthy. I am so busy thinking about Mom duties that I spend less time thinking and obsessing about negative thoughts. I truly believe my daughter saved my life ❤