My First Anxiety Attack (6/8/01 Journal 3, Page 101)

I had no idea this day would change my life forever. I was 18 years old and had just finished my freshman year of college. I was young and went out with my friends often. Obviously drinking alcohol isn’t good for you (especially at 18) but what I didn’t know was that it is a trigger for me. I know I am not alone in saying this but alcohol makes me feel extremely anxious the next day. In this journal entry, I vaguely describe my first anxiety attack.  I actually remember it much differently than it was written but here it is:

hey, today is 6/8/01. Well, a lot has happened. I guess I’ll tell you about the anxiety. I’ve always said that it’s my turn to get something bad happen to me. Well I think this may be it, but I swore to myself I’m strong enough to get over it. It started on Wednesday at Adventureland. I worked the merry-go-round and I was hungover and dizzy from the ride. So I left work early because I didn’t feel right. So later on around 6:30 I smoked a cigarette, hoping to calm myself down, but it made it worse. So I took a walk and I was flipping out, like that night.* So I went to see Kara, all I could think about was suicide. So that night I couldn’t go to Friday’s with my friends because I was so scared so I went to Alletto’s* with my mother and she came home with me and soothed me so well!!! I’ve never loved her so much in my life. So now I know I’m scared of new situations because I’m in the car with people I’m babysitting for. So we are going to Amagansett and Montauk with them for their wedding. I was really nervous before but now I’m fine. So I think I’m going to be OK this weekend. I proved to myself last night that I was OK and went to bed early and told myself I have to prove again that I’m fine. I’m going to a psychologist, I’ll be fine. I haven’t cried at all and I felt like I was going to yesterday. But I’m going to go now because I gotta eat. I didn’t have a single bite to eat yesterday, not even a chocolate. I had 2 jelly beans. But I’m strong and I can do it!! -Peace

*The night I did Ecstasy for the first (and last) time. (Click here to read)

*Alletto’s was a restaurant my mother worked at briefly.

The entry itself is actually a lot more positive than I remember it. I remember leaving work early because I felt off. I then remember trying to take a nap and hoping to sleep it off. As my face was turned towards the wall, I remember my body beginning to tingle and I felt a warm flow down my body. It made me scared (not knowing how anxiety felt) and I immediately got up and decided to take a walk in hopes of the feeling going away. I will never forget that walk. I had NEVER had suicidal thoughts until that walk. I couldn’t understand why everything looked so normal but I felt so “out of my body.” I saw a man mowing his lawn and couldn’t help but wonder why he was acting so normal as if life was a happy place. I thought I needed to die… and soon. There was no way I was going to be able to live like that. I knew right away something was wrong, something was seriously wrong. My walk was short because it definitely was not working but only made matters worse. I hopped in my car and drove to see my friend Kara at her work. Kara was my friend who I did Ecstasy with and helped me get through that God awful night. I told Kara something was wrong but I don’t remember exactly what I said or how she responded. I do recall though being totally freaked out by the loud noises and amount of people at her job. She worked at a busy arcade/restaurant at the time. I left her job and drove straight to my mother. She was working that night. To this day, I never did tell my mother the truth about my first anxiety attack and how it was brought on by my past experience of Ecstasy and being hungover. The thought and guilt of that made me feel like the worst person ever. My sister had begun experiencing panic attacks a few months earlier and I told my mother that I thought the same thing was happening to me. When I wrote “I’ve never loved her so much in my life,” I meant it. My mother had her issues and caused me a lot of pain but she absolutely loved me and lived for her children. I needed her so much that night. She drove me home and laid in bed with me that night until I fell asleep. I was TERRIFIED to be without her. To this day, when I am severely anxious, I am still afraid to go to bed alone because of that night. The entry then goes on to say I was babysitting the children of a couple getting married. I wrote things like “I’m OK, I’ll be fine, I’m strong,” blah blah blah but here is how I remember it. It was the worst timing ever. Two days after I had a life changing anxiety attack, I was to go away for a weekend with complete strangers. I was recommended by a family and I offered to travel with the a couple whom I’ve never met and watch their children while they got married. My mother drove me to their house and as soon as we got there, panic set in and I needed a bathroom pronto.  For anyone that doesn’t know this and pardon the grossness, anxiety and stress cause diarrhea. As if traveling with complete strangers wasn’t terrifying enough, now I was embarrassed because it was clear I was blowing up their bathroom as well. I was in the bathroom just long enough for my mother to leave their house. As soon as I got out of the bathroom and I realized my mother had gone, I ran out of the house searching for her. Embarrassing again…an 18 year old girl literally running out of the house crying to say goodbye to her mother. Luckily, my mother had not left yet and I was able to give her a huge hug and gain the courage to travel for a weekend without her. I thought I was being “strong” as I worded it. I had never experienced anything like this and as much as I thought I’d end up in a straight jacket in a loony bin like those people on TV, I also had the energy to fight for my life. After 17 years, I’m still fighting for my life. Frustrating, I know!

My fight is different these days. I know my triggers and I know when to ask for help. Looking back during those first horrific months of anxiety, they were worse than I thought. Have you ever completed a huge task like cleaning an entire room and when it’s finished you ask yourself, “damn, how did I do that?” That’s how I look at those days. I am so thankful for how far I’ve come. I have been through years of therapy and I’m still trying to win this battle we call life. My goal is to make my daughter proud. I want to be the best person and parent I can be. One day she’ll read my journals and blog and I hope she will learn from my experiences. The summer of 2001 marked my beginning struggle with anxiety and soon after, depression followed. This entry was significant in my life because the journal entries that follow are mostly related to my anxiety. If you would like to follow my story please subscribe to my blog below and feel free to comment or ask me any questions.

Love and Peace, Me