Ever wonder if your parents would be better off together or divorced? I’m convinced my parents should have divorced. Not only am I convinced, but I wish they had gotten a divorce. Their marriage was the death of them…literally for my mom. It was an ongoing cycle; Mom wants dad to change, dad wishes mom were different, mom becomes depressed because dad will not change, dad avoids mom at all cost because she is depressed, and the cycle repeats. I believe my mom would still be alive if she was able to escape her unhappy marriage. Eventually she stopped caring about herself, became extremely unhealthy, and was too weak to recover from a stroke. My first journal was mostly about petty teenage problems, however I also needed to vent about the serious issues within my family. I wanted so bad to speak about them to a therapist but I thought I’d be labeled as crazy if I even attempted to talk to someone. Furthermore, how was I supposed to tell my mother I wanted to speak to someone about HER. I can recall one time being so upset, crying hysterically, and not knowing who to talk to that I called the good ol’ operator. Remember those days of dialing 0? No, you don’t remember?…then you must be part of the cellphone generation! Anyway, for those old farts that do remember, I dialed the operator and a nice woman answered. I told her that I was having problems and needed someone to talk to and asked her if she could help me find someone right then. She was taken back by my emotional call for help and told me that unfortunately she did not know of any such number to call to get help. Man a lot has changed in 20 years! I could probably say the word help just loud enough for Alexa to hear and the cops would be at my door in a heartbeat! I still wonder to this day what would have happened if I was able to talk to someone that night? Would I of had the courage to seek further help? Would I of had my first anxiety attack three years later? Would I be sitting here writing this blog right now? I will never be able to answer those questions but here is probably the first journal entry that I really wrote just how bad my parents hurt me emotionally:
Hello, today is the f***ing day after yesterday. I’m hating my life. I want my parents to get a divorce so badly!
Bad things about mom:
1. Smokes all the time
2. Sleeps all day
3. Says no for stupid reasons
4. Doesn’t take showers
5. Doesn’t get any exercise
6. Embarrassing
7. Ugly
8. Old- even looks it
9. Always late
10. Complains about people to me
11. Sleeps in living room
12. Doesn’t work at all
13. Nosy about everything
14. Messes up living room
Bad things about dad:
1. Didn’t go to college
2. Doesn’t want to spend time with whole family
3. Alcoholic
My parents are the worst couple ever. They both hate each other, they always fight. I want them to get a divorce. I would live with my father. I feel so bad writing all the bad things about my family. I want to go to therapy so——>o bad. I’m so isolated from my parents, I can’t stand them, especially when I come down the stairs and I see my mom on the f***ing couch smoking. I hate it! The more they piss me off, the worse I want to be. I actually feel like running away. I can’t talk to anyone except you. My mother has the first signs of diabetes. She is probably going to have cancer. I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t already. If I ever become an ugly star, actress, it is going to be so easy for me to cry on scenes. I can’t wait till I get in college. I want to get drunk tonight by myself. Maybe I will. I can’t believe I would. I was so against all that, now I’m for it. I’m just upset. The only thing I hate still is cursing and maybe drugs. I just am scared to write something about stuff, especially about my deep true feelings but now I don’t care. I’m not a bad child, if anyone reads it, oh well. Compare me to other kids my age and I’m a Saint. I mean, other kids, my friends, drink almost every weekend, hook up with guys, and don’t do well in school. Well, I’m going now, peace!