I’ve been writing in a journal now for over twenty years. TWENTY YEARS! Just writing that makes me feel old! My first journal entry was on 12/26/97. I started writing when I was a sophomore in high school. I pretty much had no friends, was super shy, literally thought I was the ugliest human on the planet and was stuck in a body that was at least three years behind schedule. Writing made me feel like I wasn’t alone; as if someone was actually listening to me. My entries consisted of mainly basic high school nonsense…what tests I had that day, which boys I liked, what sports I was playing at the time. But there was also a dark side to my writing. A side I wouldn’t really understand until years later. You see…I have suffered with anxiety and depression since I was 18. I actually have my first anxiety attack documented but I’ll get into that another time. To understand how my anxiety developed, I had to dig deep into the past. My past was first documented when I began writing in my journal on 12/26/97. Here is my first entry and a glimpse into the mind of Me:
Hello, hey I’m on the plane now on my way to Texas. I’m excited but scared! I don’t want to crash or something bad to happen to me. Please God, make me have a good trip! This is Me, signing off at 8:23am! Hello, I’m back, it’s 11:35am and I’m still on the plane. I’m still scared but I have nice people around me to talk to. Life can be so confusing sometimes. Why do I have to be prude*. I don’t have a boyfriend. I guess I could have one if I wanted to. I heard that John likes me but I don’t understand how a really hot kid can like me. I don’t know if I should go for him! I doubt it, oh well. My teenage years stink. The only thing that I’m very fortunate for is my sisters. I love them so much. They are great. Another thing I hate is school. Oh I hate it. I hate the people and work. Well, I’ll write another entry another time- Peace out yo! I <3 everybody!
*Prude: According to dictionary.com, the definition of prude is a person who is excessively proper or modest in speech, conduct, dress, etc. According to my fifteen year old self, it meant I was terrified of boys (and kissing them) when all the girls around me had boyfriends.
P.S. Did you notice the part when I wrote “I hate the people and work” then signed off with “I <3 everybody!”? Yup…that’s Me =)