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Easter

The living room was cleaned twice a year. Easter and Christmas. It often took days to complete. It was never spotless but clean enough for the Easter bunny or Santa Claus to deem acceptable. All I ever wanted was a clean house. A house where I could invite friends over to play. By first grade I knew I was different and lost friends because I couldn’t reciprocate play dates. Easter was second best to Christmas in my opinion. The thought of having the Easter Bunny in MY house was so exciting! He would even leave an egg under my pillow! How cool! We would get a basket full of candy. I do have pretty good memories of waking up and searching for the eggs with my sisters. If only the living room stayed clean. Of course it didn’t. In the later years, the baskets turned into ziploc bags with some candy inside. I’m sure there were some years the living room wasn’t cleared and the eggs were hidden amongst the mess.
This year marks my daughters’ 6th and 3rd Easter. So far we’ve given them amazing experiences. They went to church last weekend and this weekend we are all in Pennsylvania with their cousins. We are creating loving memories and I’m pretty damn proud of that ❤️

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Start over

How many times can you start over? Should I start a new chapter or create a new book? I need to turn the page.
I love teaching because you always get to start fresh. A new year with new students. If you think about it, the new year starts in January. A miserable cold month. Those are my thoughts for tonight.

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today

It’s rare I stay in the moment. I grew up fantasizing about my future. Hoping to get out of the house and live the “Happily Ever After” lifestyle. I spent many mornings waking up to the initial thought of hopelessness. Usually as the day went on it would get better…the closer it was to go back to sleep. Sleep was the only way to avoid thoughts. My way out of my head.
Fortunately these days it’s usually not as bad. Mostly because I have two children and a “to do” list that will never be complete. Today was a good day. I woke up and didn’t think much. I got myself a cup of coffee and was excited for the day ahead. It was my daughter’s 3rd birthday party. God I love her. Watching and listening to her gives me such joy. She was so happy today. I myself just enjoyed all of today. Today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Today I was present. I’m proud of myself ❤️

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Now or Never

I feel like I have more to give. More to share. More to provide. More to educate. But I get sucked into believing this is it. When does hope stop? When is it time to throw in the towel? What if you try and you fail?
I know the answers to these questions. For God sake I’m a teacher. It’s my job to keep believing and encourage. How can I be good at giving but not receiving? I want to toot my own horn and be the best role model possible. I guess I still have a lot to learn. Hopefully one day I will come full circle.

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Stuck in Limbo

Life. Limbo. How do I survive? My biggest fear is I won’t make it. This disease will take me. I know I can’t let that happen but how can you be sure you won’t let it take over. What’s the point? Is there an end? Is there a winner? Is there a point where it’s all worth it? I’ll just roll with the punches for now. My children help me out one foot in front of the other. I smile watching them and for now they’re worth it 🙂

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Nobody knows

I can’t believe Twitch did it. Why? There were apparently no signs. I don’t get it. If I did it there would be sign. Nobody knows. It’s a secret club. Nobody really knows what it feels like to want to die. Nobody knows I know. 

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The Day my Mom Died (7/30/11 Journal 6, page 176)

I knew one day my mom would die. I knew she lived an unhealthy and depressed life. I just didn’t know when nor was I ready for it. It was early in the morning when I received the call from my father. She had suffered a stroke and could not walk or talk. When we arrived at the hospital she knew who I was but she was unable to communicate. A week later she passed. The night before her passing,I had spent the night in the hospital by my mom’s side. Ironically, it was a very peaceful night. This is going to sound weird but the next morning, I laughingly gave my mother an ultimatum. I didn’t want to have to bury my mother on my birthday. So she either had to pass that day and I bury her a day before my birthday or she had to wait another week. Well my mother must have heard me because she soon took her last breath

Hi-today is 7/30. Well my mom passed away today. Just shy of 67. I didn’t want to leave the hospital. I missed her last breath. I stayed with her last night. Just me and her. It felt really good to be there with her. She didn’t move at all last night. (When she was sleeping) Before that though, something funny happened. I wanted to get in bed with her like I used to whenever I wasn’t feeling well. So I did. After 5 minutes, I felt her arm nudge me away. I laughed because she wanted me out of bed. Yesterday she hardly opened her eyes and when she did, she didn’t really look at you. I’m lucky I was able to get one week with her. She knew we were all there. Especially in the beginning when she would wave. There was a few times I saw her laugh and she even tried giving me a kiss through the oxygen tube. Tonight I went over to my mom’s house to get clothes. We went through a lot of stuff. She has boxes and boxes of unopened stuff. She was so sick. I feel terrible. Tons and tons of things that she kept. In Feb 2000 there was an anonymous letter sent to her asking her to change things in the house. She never did. It’s just sad that she was so sick and never got help. I loved her so much. She was so great to talk to. That’s what I”m going to miss the most. I’ll never be able to call her late to talk to and vent. She’ll never get to meet any of my boyfriends. She won’t be at my wedding or see any of my children. Ok I really have to stop writing so I don’t panic. Tomorrow is going to be a rough one, peace.

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Baby #2

She’s here! My 2nd daughter was born on 2/27/21. Born in the middle of a global pandemic. She’s my rainbow baby and she’s perfect. I’m sitting next to her crib in the hospital now. A few weeks ago they noticed something in the liver from a routine sonogram. After she was born they ran some blood tests and the results were concerning so they transferred her to a hospital in NYC. They think it’s a hemangioma (benign vascular tumor). That’s great news considering they do not think it is cancer but the road ahead will not be easy. First off, we have to do more blood tests, another ultrasound, and MRI to gather more information. Then the doctors and surgeons will figure out what is the safest treatment option. The hemangioma is not necessarily the dangerous part…it’s how her body will react to this mass. Will her heart have to work extra hard? It’s scary to think that this may be life altering but I’m taking one day at a time.

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Welcome 2021

I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve written. My intention for this space is to reveal old journal entries in the hopes of helping people feel not alone. Life gets in the way though and it’s difficult to make time for that. I try to avoid using this blog as my ‘journal’ because I still tend to keep my feelings to myself. 2020 was a terrible year. Ironically I think I handled myself very well. I did not go through any significant down periods. In the past week or so I’ve felt depressed. I can blame it on pregnancy hormones, the pandemic or the fact that our country is going to sh*t because we are so divided but the truth is I’m not sure why I feel down. All I know is I feel hopeless and I HATE THAT feeling. My head tells me I know that’s untrue and I’ll snap out of it but my depressive self pulls me down and gives me a sense that I’ll feel like this forever. I just want to be the best version of myself. I want to be confident and a role model for my daughter. I want to be proud of myself. I’ve come a long way but my journey is not over.

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9/11 (9/20/01 Journal 4, Page insert between 65/66)

Anyone that remembers 9/11 refers to it as 9/11. The year was 2011. It seems like it was yesterday but none of students were even born yet. I was a sophomore in college. I woke up the morning of 9/11 and on the TV was the news showing a plane that hit one of the twin towers. I immediately called my mother because she was always watching the news and I knew she’d be shocked to hear about it! I walked down the hall to the suite next door and we watched the news together. Then another plane hit the other tower! I don’t remember my initial thoughts when the second plane hit. I just remember not realizing the severity of the situation. I proceeded to get ready and leave for class.

dear Journal,
hey. I haven’t wrote in awhile. I’m on my way home now from Cortland for the weekend. Something big has happened last week on 9/11/01. Terrorist bombed the World Trade Center. They highjacked 4 planes. They flew 2 into the towers + 1 into the pentagon, + one crashed. Both towers collapsed. Classes after one were cancelled, and on Friday was a National Remembrance and classes were cancelled after 11. It was sooo scary. So many people died, I’m just scared. I didn’t know anybody! I can’t believe it happened so close to where I live. They said this was bigger than Pearl Harbor! It’s so crazy!

New York State lost 2,753 lives at the World Trade Center on that day. The realization didn’t set in until I went to class and everyone was talking about it and classes were cancelled. I started panicking not understanding what exactly was happening. On my walk back to my dorm, I stopped at Health Services and expressed my concern to the Physicians assistant. She prescribed me anti-anxiety medication which I was terrified to take (and never did take) and walked me across the hall to the counseling center. It was on that day that I met my college counselor. I would see him periodically, usually weekly, for the next three years.

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